By Susie Day
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – By now it is well know that Missouri Representative Todd Akin explained his opposition to abortion, even in cases of rape, by saying that women who experience “a legitimate rape” can avoid pregnancy by telling their bodies to “shut that whole thing down.” It is also well known that a firestorm of protest ensued. Less known, however, is the fact that, under the media radar, Mr. Akin’s observation is encouraging a growing number of malcontents to come out of the closet and claim their rights as “legitimate” predators.
“I’d just like to thank Mr. Todd Akin for saying there is such a thing as legitimate rape,” said Dick Jackwad, currently serving a 32-year sentence for “illegitimate” sexual assault. Mr. Jackwad described how, after years of “uppity” women and girls calling him a monster, it was empowering to be given permission by a “real Congressman” to see himself as “legit,” and not one of “those Nelly wannabes” who merely drug or verbally coerce their targets.
It was because of this newly discovered “predator pride” that Mr. Jackwad founded the Dick Jackwad Defense and Liberation Committee to Free Dick Jackwad. “Every day, thousands of men who do what I’ve done are walking around free,” he said. “They never even get indicted. So who’s the real victim, here? Oh Lord, Lord, why hast you forgot me?”
Social analysts note a certain religious fervor in much of the self-avowed “Perp Rights” movement, saying it is no accident that Representative Akin is a religious conservative with Tea-Party support.
“I believe it was God himself that put Todd Akin on the House Science Committee,” said Kansas City housewife Patty O’Door. Mrs. O’Door, 41 and the mother of seven, is also a member of the newly formed support group, Adult Parents of Legitimately Abused Children (APLAC). She continued: “Mr. Akin’s legitimizing words reflect our deep scientific belief that God is a real man’s man, not a girlie-man. He is a highly spiritual thug. So show me where in the Bible it says that women and children are human beings with the right to stand up for themselves. Same for fruits.”
Although Mr. Akin has publicly retracted his statement, the undercurrent of support for it remains strong. In fact, it is because of Todd Akin—whom they call “The Great Legitimator”— that many predators say they have found the courage to fight negative stereotypes embedded in such words as “rapist,” “murderer,” and “psychopath.” They explain that, by carrying out what the liberal elite would call crimes, they are righteously upholding over 5,000 years of patriarchal monotheism.
“Are you telling me I don’t have the legitimate right to possess my own assault rifle?” asked Abraham Isaacson, outraged member of the Staten Island, NY chapter of APLAC. “You telling me I don’t have the right to take my God-given son out in the backyard and use this legal weapon to legitimately blow his head off? Well, let me tell you something: I get to do anything God tells me to do. You slut.”
So far, God has not responded to repeated requests for comment, except to confirm that this reporter is, in fact, a slut.
Romney Tries Again with African Americans
New Orleans – In the past, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has traded campaign barbs with incumbent President Barack Obama about who has destroyed more jobs for U.S. workers by “outsourcing,” or moving American companies overseas. Today, however, Mr. Romney changed his tack, saying that outsourcing is “America’s best way to preserve democracy,” and pledged that, if elected, he would outsource to a developing country his own job as Commander in Chief. Possibly to counter a recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that showed 0% support from Black voters, Mr. Romney chose to deliver this campaign message to the New Orleans chapter of the NAACP.
“I’d like to send myself to work in a country such as Bangladesh,” stated Mr. Romney. “There, I would be happy to accept a large cut in pay, working for perhaps five to seven cents an hour, laboring 14-hour shifts in 95-degree heat, exposed to toxic chemicals in a so-called free-trade zone, unencumbered by labor or environmental regulations.” The audience, 97 percent African American, erupted in thunderous, foot-stamping applause.
Mr. Romney’s pledge is seen as part of a last-minute strategy to salvage a floundering, worker-phobic campaign. “Furthermore,” added Mr. Romney, “I vow to take my presidential Cabinet and the entire Treasury Department with me.”
Mr. Romney went on to explain that, by working directly for corporations such as Coca-Cola, Exxon Mobil, and Wal-Mart, entering data or toiling on assembly lines, he and his “fellow comrades” would have no time to squander on everyday Oval Office administration—thus completely eliminating big government. These remarks drew more hearty applause.
A poll following the speech, however, showed African American support for Mr. Romney had risen only to .05 percent.
“I’m still not going to vote for him,” said audience member Jim Bailey, putting on his hat to go. “I just liked picturing that guy with his shirt all ripped up and sweaty. Made my day.”
Rumor has it that Clint Eastwood will play Mitt Romney in a campaign film entitled OutSource! The Good, the Bad, and the Romney. Everyone in the GOP is praying there will be no empty chairs.
© Susie Day, 2012