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First Woman President Nukes Iran

     WASHINGTON – President Hillary Clinton, making good on her 2008 threat to “totally obliterate” Iran, celebrated her first week in office by ordering a nuclear strike on Iran's capital city of Tehran. As a squadron of F-35s streaked through the sky toward the Mideast metropolis of over seven million, President Clinton outlined her foreign policy to a bevy of reporters at a White House press conference...
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In Bad Repair: An Exclusive Interview with Mr. Zeitgeist

Because my aim is to pass off my radical activism as “journalism,” I wanted to talk to Mr. Zeitgeist about U.S. reparations for slavery. 
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Dear Alfreda Frances Bikowsky,

            So many people want to be famous. Not you. You were content to let Jessica Chastain portray a more competent version of your waterboarding and bin Laden-stalking self in the film Zero Dark Thirty. You never asked for credit. But now, thanks to the Senate Select Intelligence Committee’s Report on CIA Torture, we know you’ve made more history than the average, anonymous schlub. Jane Mayer of The New Yorker calls you “The Unidentified Queen of Torture.”

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Shoppers Without Borders: Cure for Media-Inflicted War Wounds

            Paige Turner, a 29-year-old graduate of Grinnell College’s creative writing program, came to New York to start her life as a novelist. She got some gigs chronicling upscale Manhattan lifestyles for glossy magazines: “good background for my first socially conscious bestseller!” Things were going great – she was online most of the day, researching fashion stories. Then she started to feel “awful” from coming across videos and news photos depicting Palestinian civilians dying under Israeli bombings. Paige developed a massive writer’s block.
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Barbie's Gay Pride Shocker!

     "Get out! Get out of here and never come back!" shrieked an enraged Barbie, as she hurled a tiny bedroom slipper in my direction. The dainty missile careened off an itty-bitty bust of Ken, then shattered the frame that held a photo of Barbie's best friend, Midge. "Take your Gay Pride and shove it!"     

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Since society tends to see the sexual commingling of legally sanctioned couples – either straight or gay - as a bland, nonthreatening amalgam, the fashionably phobic now choose a more refined target on which to project their innate fears and insecurity: the single queer. Sans spouse, sans mate, sans boo – sans everything.
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Orange Is Not New, and Prison Is Not Our Best Color

Go on, enjoy this skanky soap opera. Definitely enjoy Season One’s fade-out, as Piper beats a psychotic white-trash Jesus freak possibly to death during the Christmas pageant. Just please don’t think this teaches you about prison.
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Today, I bring you a hard-hitting work of in-depth political analysis re: Private First Class Bradley Manning. It seems some malcontents on the Board of San Francisco’s Gay Pride Parade have suggested Private Manning for Grand Marshal.

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NO WAY IN MY MANGER: A Public Service Annunciation

You might remember me from such codependent masterpieces as the Pietà and nine billion paintings depicting the braless Madonna and blessed breast-fed children. Boys, all boys. Which reminds me: I want to talk about abortion rights.
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NYPD to Racially Profile White Males

“Henceforth, we pledge to use our white supremacy for good,” declared Commissioner Kelly. “Also, we figure that if we start racially profiling white people, the NAACP and the NY Civil Liberties Union will finally stop dissing us.”
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